How to Spot the Signs That Someone Is Struggling
Not every crisis looks like a breakdown. Learn how to spot subtle signs someone’s struggling, and how to respond without overreacting or brushing it off.
Not every crisis looks like a breakdown. Learn how to spot subtle signs someone’s struggling, and how to respond without overreacting or brushing it off.
Ever look at a coworker and just know something’s off, even if they say they’re fine?
It’s one of the hardest parts of peer support: knowing when to lean in, especially when the signs are subtle.
Not everyone in crisis is going to fall apart in front of you. Sometimes, they’re still showing up to work, cracking jokes, and getting the job done, but inside, they’re unraveling.
If we wait until someone is completely falling apart, we’ve waited too long.
This episode will help you pay attention, spot red flags, and know when—and how—to check in.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL LEARN:
- The most common warning signs someone’s struggling emotionally
- What to say (and what NOT to say) when checking in
- Why “I’m fine” isn’t always the truth, and how to keep the door open
You don’t need to diagnose anyone. You just need to notice. And care enough to show up.
OTHER LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Schedule a Discovery Call
https://stresscaredoc.com/consultation
Connect with Bart
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/bartleger
Facebook Page: facebook.com/survivingyourshift
Website: www.survivingyourshift.com
Want to find out how I can help you build a peer support program in your organization or provide training? Schedule a no-obligation call or Zoom meeting with me here.
Mentioned in this episode:
Houston Area CISM GRIN Training
This 3-day course, hosted by the Atascocita Fire Department, will teach you how to support your peers through effective communication, emotional resilience, and understanding the psychological impact of crises. Register for this training. https://stresscaredoc.com/atascocita-grin Dates: January 6-8, 2026 Times: 8:30 AM - 5:00 PM each day Location: Atascocita Fire Admin Building
Let's learn to thrive, not just survive!
00:00 - Untitled
02:10 - Why Subtle Signs Matter
02:45 - Common Warning Signs of Emotional Distress
05:06 - Trust Your Gut
05:36 - How to Approach Someone Without Making it Weird
06:38 - What to Do When They Say, "I'm Fine."
07:15 - Marker 7
07:30 - It's Not About Getting it Perfect
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Not every crisis looks like a breakdown. Some of the
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most serious struggles show up as silence, sarcasm, or maybe
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subtle shifts in behavior. In today's episode, we're going to
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talk about what to look for and how to check in without making
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matters
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Welcome to Surviving Your Shift, your go-to resource
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for building strong, peer support teams in high-stress
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professions. I'm your host, Bart Leger, board-certified in
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traumatic stress with over 25 years of experience supporting
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and training professionals in frontline and emergency roles.
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Whether you're looking to start a peer support team, learn new
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skills, or bring training to your organization, this show
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will equip you with practical tools to save lives and careers.
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Have you ever had a gut feeling that something was off
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with someone on your team? They said they were fine, but
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something about their tone, their eyes, or maybe the way
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they walked out of the room told you otherwise. Should you ask
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them directly? Or should you wait it out? What about bringing
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it up later? And what if you're wrong? Or what if they're just
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having a bad day? These are questions that come up all the
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time in Pure Support because not everyone in crisis looks like
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they're falling apart. Sometimes, people show up to work and they
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joke and they keep busy, but inside, they're barely holding
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it together. So, today, what we're going to do is talk about
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how to spot the signs that someone is struggling even when
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they don't say a word, and, just as important, how to approach
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them in a way that actually helps.
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Let's start with this. Most people don't raise their
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hand and say, "I'm not okay," especially in high-stress
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professions like law enforcement or fire service, EMS, and
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healthcare. We're trained to power through it, to show up and
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keep it together for everyone else, but that doesn't mean
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we're okay. In fact, the earlier you can recognize the signs that
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something's off, the better chance you have of being a
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life-giving presence before things spiral into full-blown
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crisis. And that starts with knowing what to look for.
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Not every warning sign will be obvious, but here are a
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few categories of things to pay attention to. So, first, there
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may be changes in their behavior. I mean, all of us have a
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baseline, whether we're usually reserved or outgoing, maybe loud
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or quiet. And if someone is usually the life of the party
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and they suddenly become quiet, or just the opposite. They're
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usually the one in the room who's reserved, but has recently
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become overly reactive. They may stop showing up to social stuff
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or shift assignments. Or maybe even short-tempered, or more
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short-tempered than usual. If someone who's normally laid back
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starts snapping at people, that's worth noticing. normally
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engaged starts withdrawing, also worth noticing. Secondly, there
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may be changes in how they show up to work, or maybe their
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self-care. They stop shaving, or doing their hair, or wearing a
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clean uniform. They look physically exhausted, or show up
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late multiple days in a row. Or maybe you see signs of poor
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sleep, or maybe even alcohol in their breath. These are signs
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that someone's energy is going somewhere else, either mentally
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or emotionally. Another sign may be dark or concerning humor
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that's worse than usual. I know, first responders joke. We all
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know that. But when the jokes take a sharp left turn into, I
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wouldn't care if I didn't wake up tomorrow. Or, it'd be easier
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if I just disappeared. That's not just dark humor. That's a
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big red flag. So listen to the jokes, and don't assume they're
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just blowing off steam. Sometimes, someone may begin
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overcompensating. Some people actually go the other way. They
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act too okay. They overwork, and overjoke, and keep the mood
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light all the time. And they never slow down. And if you get
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the sense they're performing fine instead of being fine,
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don't ignore that. It's a mask. And sometimes, it's covering up
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something maybe more serious than we realize.
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And you may not be able to put your finger on what's
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wrong, But if something feels off, you need to trust that
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instinct. Because you know your people, and you know their
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normal rhythms and their personality. And when you notice
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that something is just different, well, it probably is. We talk a
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lot about situational awareness on calls, and this is the same
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skill simply turned inward. We're paying attention to what
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your gut is picking up to those around you.
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So let's say you've noticed a few signs. Now what?
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The goal is to approach them in a way that feels relational, and
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not forced. And you're not diagnosing them. You're simply
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showing up. You might try something like, Hey, I noticed
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you seem a little off lately. I could be wrong, but I just
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wanted to check in. You doing okay? it could be, You've been
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quieter than usual. Just wanted you to know, I'm here if you
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ever want to talk. What you're doing is, you're inviting them
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to open up, and you're offering. You're not demanding. Now, don't
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say, What's wrong with you lately? Or, you've been acting
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weird. What's going on? Or, man, you need to talk to somebody.
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Now, those will shut down a person pretty fast, and it feels
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like judgment, instead of simply being there for them. What you
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want to do is, Keep your tone calm, keep your body language
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relaxed, And, don't push for a conversation right then and
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there, if they're not ready.
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And then, what do you do when they say, I'm fine? I mean,
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that's the classic answer, right? you get, I'm fine, maybe you
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could follow up with, Okay, if that ever changes, I just want
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you to know, I've got time, no pressure. And, that simple
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sentence keeps the doors open. Now, if I know someone really
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well, I've been known to follow up, I'm fine with, And, how's
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that working out for you? Obviously, you have to do you,
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and that might not be appropriate with everyone, but
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I've often had them look at me, and kind of laugh, and say
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something like, Well,
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Not so great, I guess. And, that opened up the door,
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for a follow up conversation. And, then if that doesn't work,
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just stay consistent, checking in now and then, making small
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talk, being available, and then that door might open up later.
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And, finally, one thing you need to remember, you're not
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going to get it right, every time. Because, we'll sometimes
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misread a few situations, and we'll miss others. That, that's
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okay. What matters is that you're paying attention, that
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you're willing to engage, and that you care enough to say
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something when something feels off. Because, sometimes, that
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little nudge, that small conversation, can be the thing
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that helps someone find their footing again, or, maybe, even
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save their life. So, if you are on a peer support team, or,
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maybe, just someone who wants to be there for your coworkers,
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start watching. Watch for the quiet ones, and the jokes that
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go a little too far. Watch for the shifts in energy, or, maybe,
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their emotions change, or, maybe, changes in behavior. And, when
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you notice something, say something. You don't have to fix
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it, you just have to show up, and be there. you're a
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department, or, organization, wants help training your peer
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support team, to recognize the early signs of distress, I'd
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love to help. Visit StressCareDoc.com, and schedule
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a discovery call. And, could you do me a favor? Please take a
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moment, to share this podcast, with a friend, a colleague, or,
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maybe, even another agency. Send them over, to SurvivingYourShare.
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SurvivingYourShift.com Thanks for spending this time, with me
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today, on Surviving Your Shift. You don't need to be, a mental
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health expert, to make a difference. You just need to be
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observant, be consistent, and willing to speak up, when it
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matters. Next time, we'll be talking about, what to do, when
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a peer mentions suicide. How do you stay calm, what to say, and
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how do you get them, the right help fast. Until then, God bless,
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and have a great day.
