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Have you ever gone home after a peer support conversation completely drained, wondering if you said the right thing, and realizing you've been carrying their burden like it's yours? Well, that's not help.
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That's one way to burnout or compassion fatigue. If you've ever felt like peer support is becoming too heavy, well then, this episode's for you. Because we're talking about boundaries, what they are, why they matter, and how to set them without feeling guilty or blowing up the relationships you're trying to protect.
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Welcome to Surviving Your Shift, your go-to resource for building strong, peer support teams in high-stress professions. I'm your host, Bart Leger, board-certified in traumatic stress with over 25 years of experience supporting and training professionals in frontline and emergency roles.
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Whether you're looking to start a peer support team, learn new skills, or bring training to your organization, this show will equip you with practical tools to save lives and careers.
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I'll be honest with you, I learned about boundaries the hard way. Back when I first started doing peer support, I didn't really know where the line was. I pretty much responded to anyone, anywhere, anytime. Now, don't get me wrong, we have to be available, but we can't burn ourselves out, because if we do, we won't be any help to anyone. I was literally on, 24/7. If they were texting at midnight, I was answering. If their issues kept me up at night, I just told myself, well that's just part of helping people. The last time, I started noticing something. I was beginning to be short with my family. I wasn't sleeping well. I felt anxious when the phone buzzed and like something bad was about to happen. And when the other things I realized, I wasn't setting boundaries, I wasn't setting myself up to crash. And if you felt that way too, I want to take the pressure off you today and walk you through some practical steps to stay compassionate without losing yourself in the process.
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So let's start by getting clear on what boundaries are, and what they aren't. Well first of all, boundaries aren't walls.
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They're not meant to keep people out. They're there to make sure we stay healthy enough to keep helping others. They let you say, I care about you, and I also need to care about myself. In peer support, boundaries help you stay grounded so that you can keep showing up for others long term. And as I learned the hard way, you can't pour from an empty cup, no matter how willing you are. That's a sure way to compassion fatigue. So when we talk about boundaries, we're talking about protecting your emotional space. Now I know you don't like the word emotional, but it's really part of us. So we have to protect ourselves, we have to protect our time, and we have to protect our mental clarity. So we can offer support in a way that's healthy and in a way that's sustainable.
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peer support is really unique.
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You're often helping people you work with, eat lunch with, and maybe even see on the weekends.
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So the lines can get blurry pretty fast. Here's where it starts to slip. We can over-identify with others, especially when we know them well. That's where things can start to get blurry. What I'm talking about here is something called counter-transference. Now I know that's more of a clinical word, but stick with me, because it shows up in peer support more than we realize.
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Counter-transference is when we start to project our own stuff, our emotions, our history, our unresolved pain onto the person we're trying to support. And it gets even trickier when the person sitting across from us is someone we've worked with for years, maybe someone we've gone through the academy with, or someone who reminds us of a family member, or maybe even ourselves. when we care deeply, and we really should care. It's easy to slide into that space where we no longer are fully present for them because of our own emotional baggage showing up in the room. And we start giving advice based on what we would do, not what they need. We may get overly protective, overly involved, or maybe we might start carrying their story in a way that drains us. certainly not helpful for us. As peer supporters, we need to know where the line is between connection and over-identification. The next thing is when we check in constantly, even when we haven't been asked. Now listen, checking in on people is a good thing, and we should be doing that. We call it follow-up. Peer support doesn't work without real connection, and part of that is noticing when someone's struggling and letting them know that they're not alone. But there's a difference between support and surveillance. I mean, if you find yourself texting, calling, or stopping by, especially when they haven't reached out or even responded, that might be more about easing your anxiety than helping them heal. See, we don't want to smother people with concern even when it comes from a good place.
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That can actually make someone pull back or feel like they're being watched instead of supported. The goal is to be present, not pushy. Let them know you're available, and then give them space to respond and trust that you've planted a seed.
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Peer support is about walking with someone, not dragging them across the finish line. If they need you, they'll know where you are. And if you're not sure where that line is, well, ask
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Am I checking in because they need it or because I need it? And then you may find yourself feeling responsible for fixing what they're going through. I mean, man, this one's tough. Especially for those of us who spent our whole careers running toward problems, not away from them. It's in our DNA to solve problems and make things better. I mean, after all, we wouldn't be doing the job that we're doing. So when a peer opens up about something heavy, our instinct is to jump in and fix it. To give advice and offer a plan. Or figure out some way to take the weight off their shoulders. But here's the truth: Peer support isn't about fixing.
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It's about being. Being present.
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Being someone who listens without judgment. We don't have to have all the answers. In fact, trying to fix things too quickly can actually send the wrong message. It can make people feel like their pain is a problem to be solved. Not their story to be heard. And let's be honest. Some of the stuff our peers are carrying can't be fixed in a conversation or two.
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to say, I'm not okay. And not have something to rush in with a solution. Because when we let go of the pressure to fix, I think we actually become more effective. We create room for them to take ownership for their next steps. And that's where real healing starts. So if you're feeling overwhelmed or like it's your job to rescue them, that's a sign to check your role. Because you're not a savior. There's only one of those. You're a supporter. And that's more than enough. And then, you feel guilty for resting or saying no. Now I've been there. When you care about people, especially the people you know, it's easy to think you have to always be available. You might feel like taking a break means you're letting someone down. Or maybe you're afraid that if you're not the one who checks in, something bad might happen.
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And then you'll feel responsible.
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But here's what I want you to hear. You are a peer supporter, not a 24/7 lifeline. You are a human being with limits and ignoring these limits doesn't make you stronger. I believe it makes you less effective over time because burned out peer supporters can't help anybody.
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There's no shame in resting.
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Because really, there's wisdom in it. Healthy boundaries actually protect your ability to keep showing up for people in the long run. Why are you not saying no to that late night text? Unless you think they're in a bad headspace and might be in trouble. Or, that extra coffee meeting that doesn't mean you're failing someone. It means you're honoring your role and your limits. And you're thinking about your own well-being. If you find yourself feeling guilty every time you unplug, So, just take a step back and ask: Am I trying to be everything for everyone? Because here's the
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You're not their only support. You're just one part of their journey. And God never asked you to carry what only he can hold. Now, these are the warning signs. When a helper starts feeling overwhelmed, that's not noble. I believe that's dangerous. And that's how burnout creeps in. Now, we're not talking about being less compassionate. We're talking about healthily connected. Not entangled.
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Then, let's get real practical. One of the best ways to set boundaries is around your time and your access. And that is access to you. Because you can't be available 24/7/365. And you shouldn't be. There are going to be times when you've got absolutely nothing left to give. Maybe you're coming off a rough shift yourself. Or maybe there's something going on at home. Maybe it's an anniversary dinner or a kids game that you really do need to be at. Or maybe there's something going on at home before you wait at home.
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Or maybe there's something going on at home. Or maybe there's something going on at home.
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Or maybe there's something going on at home.
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Here are a few ways you can say it that are honest and respectful. You can say something like, I have a family thing right now. But I can check in with you in a little bit. Or maybe later this evening. I'm going to step away from my phone for the evening. If it's an emergency, here's who to call.
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And then, let's set up a time to talk when we can both be fully present. Most people aren't offended when you say something like that. In fact, they usually respect you for being honest.
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And here's the bonus. When you model that kind of self-awareness and self-care. It gives them permission to do the same. Because you're showing them it's okay to have limits.
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And it's okay to rest. I don't think that's being weak. I think that's just being wise. And then, let me say this clearly. If you think someone is in a really dark place. If there's a chance they're having suicidal thoughts, or they're in serious emotional danger. You need to act. Don't delay. That's when you set the boundaries aside for a moment and you do what needs to be done.
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But for most conversations and most situations, healthy boundaries aren't just okay. I think they're necessary.
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Now, for those emotional boundaries. This is where a lot of peer supporters get tripped up. Because, really, we do care.
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Otherwise, we wouldn't be being a peer supporter. Because we want to help. And sometimes, that desire makes us feel like we've got to fix everything. Or, hold all the emotional weight of the person in front of us. But here's the truth. You're not a therapist. You are a peer.
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Unless you are a therapist. And then, still, you have to keep boundaries. As a peer supporter, your role isn't to diagnose, treat, or to solve deep emotional wounds. Your job is simply to walk with them and not carry them. Your goal is to mitigate or to lessen their stress response. And sometimes, that's just simply by letting them talk. Now, let me say that again. We're there to walk with them. We're not there to carry them. Here's the difference.
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Therapists treat issues. Peer supporters create space for connection. That space is powerful because it can help someone feel seen and understood.
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And you can help them know that they're not alone. But it's not your job to be the solution.
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It's your job to be what I call an unburdened presence while they find the solution that works for them. Now, that means you can show up, you can sit with someone in their pain, And you can listen with compassion and even relate on a personal level. But you don't have to absorb their pain. You don't have to take it home with you or let it weigh on your chest at 2am in the morning. You can be fully present without taking full responsibility. Here's a line you might use when things
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"I care about you and I want you to know that you're not alone. But I'm not trained to treat this. I'm here to listen and walk with you while we figure out what kind of support you really need. And then, if necessary, refer them to a higher level of care." I mean, that's healthy and that's honest. And that's what we would call a boundary. And boundaries like that, I don't think they'll push most people away. they actually build trust because the other person knows where you stand. They know you're a safe place to talk. But not a pressure cooker trying to fix everything.
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if you're a natural helper, you probably carry more than you should. So you step in and you show up. You don't want anyone to feel alone. And let's be honest, some of us have built our whole identity around being the one who's always there. But that kind of "always there" mindset can turn into emotional overload really, really fast.
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Especially in the peer support world. And if you've been through your own stuff which, let's face it, most of us in peer support have, then certain conversations can hit closer to home than we expect. Maybe someone shares something that sounds way too familiar. Maybe it stirs up memories you haven't thought about in a while. Or it brings up a critical incident that you were involved in. One of those events that kind of stick with you throughout your career. Or maybe you realize halfway through the conversation that you're more emotionally tangled in their situation than you should be. That's when you need to hit pause. And that's okay. It's okay to take a step back and it's okay to protect your own peace. It doesn't mean you're weak or that you're quitting on someone. It means you're being wise about what you need so you can continue to support others down the road.
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Here's a couple of things you can say that set that boundary in a kind of respectable way.
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That's not a cop-out. I think that's acting with integrity.
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That's being honest. honest with yourself. And honest with someone else. And that's exactly what peer support is supposed to look like. It's a team effort.
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If the load is too heavy for you in the moment, just pass the baton. That's why we don't do this alone. That's why we work as a team. And I hope your organization, your agency has a team. That you're not the only peer supporter in your agency or organization. And if you are the only one, get others in to help, get them trained, and work as a team. Because protecting your own mental health isn't selfish.
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It's just a smart thing to do.
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Peer support shouldn't cost you your own wellness. If it does, something's out of balance.
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Because at the end of the day, you matter too. and your well-being are just as important as the person you're trying to help. And the stronger you are, the better support you can offer to others. And lastly, your boundaries are going to teach others how to take care of themselves. This might be the most important thing to remember. The way you handle your own limits doesn't just protect you. I believe it sets an example for everyone around you. Whether you realize it or not, people are People are watching to see if you take your own advice. Especially in high-stress environments like ours. We're often pushing through pain and we wear it like a badge of honor. But here's the truth. Others see you resting.
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Being honest about what you can and can't take on. And reaching out for support when you need it.
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They start to realize that's normal. And that breaks the stigma. Because you are willing to reach out for help as well. I mean, that's not being weak. And that's how we do for that.
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That's smart. That's wellness.
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And that's what health really is all about. You're showing them something powerful. You don't have to crash and burn to prove you care. You don't have to be the strong one all the time. You don't have to carry everyone else's load while ignoring your own. That kind of leadership, the quiet, the humble, and the honest type can shift, I think, the entire culture of a team or organization. And that's what we're talking about with peer support. We're talking about shifting the culture of an organization or an agency. A culture where it's safe and it's acceptable to reach out when we need help. Because it can create an environment where people don't just They recover and they start to believe it's safe to be human again. So don't be afraid to go first. Take a break. Ask for help. Learn how to set boundaries without feeling guilty. Learn how to say that little two-letter word, know when you need to. Make room in your life for the things that refill your tank. Because when you model that kind of health, you're giving everyone else around you permission to do the same. And that's how we build a culture of wellness. That's how we help people stay in this work for the long haul. You can be a great peer supporter and take care of yourself. In fact, really, that's the only way it works. As I wind this episode down, I want to speak directly to those of you out there who are serving as peer supporters.
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And maybe feeling the weight of it all. If you felt like you're carrying too much, like you're always on, or like the emotional load is getting heavier than it used to be, I want you to hear me clearly. You are not alone.
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And you don't have to be everything to everyone. That's not the goal of peer support. As a matter of fact, that's not even possible. You matter too.
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Your peace of mind matters. You need to rest. Your family matters. Your own healing matters. All of that is just as important as the support you offer others. So here's something simple you can do this week. Set aside just five minutes. I mean really, just five minutes. Grab a notebook or the notes app on your phone.
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Then answer these three questions honestly. When are you available? Not when you wish you were available. Or when you think others want you to be. But realistically, what are your hours? Your days off? When do you need to unplug? And then secondly... The second question is... What's your role and what's not? Are you showing up to support? Or are you accidentally sliding into rescue mode? Define your lane so you can stay in it with confidence.
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And then thirdly, what's one boundary you need to put in place? Just one. Start with one.
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Maybe it's turning your phone off at night. If you can. Or maybe it's asking for a break after a hard debrief. Maybe it's letting go of the idea that you have to respond immediately to every message. Then, and this is key, share that with someone on your team. Could be a team leader or another peer supporter.
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A spouse, significant other.
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Someone you trust. So just start the conversation and let them know what you're working on and encourage them to do the same.
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And if your team doesn't have this kind of discussion built in yet. If no one's talking about boundaries or rest or healthy rhythms, maybe it's time to bring it up. Not in a confrontational way, but in a way that says, hey, I want us to be in this for the long haul.
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But when one person goes first, what would it look like for us to make space for our health too?
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Because when one person goes first, others often follow. And the result isn't just better peer support. It's a stronger, healthier team. But setting boundaries isn't about building walls.
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And if you want to bring peer support training to your department or agency. Or would like help setting up your peer support team. I'd love to help.
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Head over to survivingyourshift.com/consultation right now to schedule a time for us to talk. no charge and no obligation. will be in the show notes. Thanks for sticking with me all the way to the end. Let's keep learning, growing, and supporting each other the right way. I want to thank you for joining me today on Surviving Your Shift. We talked about how boundaries are not just healthy.
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They're necessary for long-term peer support. You learned how to set boundaries with time, emotions, and expectations so you can care for others without losing yourself. Next time, we're going to be talking about something just as practical.
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What to say and not to say to someone in crisis. Until then, take care of yourself and keep showing up. We need you. Goodbye, and God bless. Goodbye, and God bless.
