What to Do If a Peer Mentions Suicide

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You're sitting in the break room after a rough shift

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and just you and a co-worker who's been quieter than usual.

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You're both staring at the wall, just chilling out when they say

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almost under their breath: "I don't know how much longer I can

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do this. Sometimes I wonder if everybody would be better off

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without me." And then, your stomach drops. You think: "Are

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they just venting? Or are they really thinking about ending

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their life?" You don't want to overreact and you don't want to

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say the wrong thing, but you also don't want to walk away and

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find out later this was your only chance to step in. In

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today's episode, we're going to talk about what to do in that

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exact moment, when a peer mentions suicide or... just

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hints at it. It raises a red flag and it's enough that you

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start to wonder. We're going to walk through how to recognize

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the warning signs and the risk factors, how to ask directly

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about suicide without making things worse, and how to

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persuade them to receive help. What we'll be doing is using the

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QPR model

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that stands for Question, Persuade and Refer. If you're a

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peer supporter, a supervisor or just the person everyone seems

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to come to when things are a usual way. This episode's for

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you.

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Welcome to Surviving Your Shift, your go-to resource

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for building strong, peer support teams in high-stress

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professions. I'm your host, Bart Leger, board-certified in

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traumatic stress with over 25 years of experience supporting

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and training professionals in frontline and emergency roles.

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Whether you're looking to start a peer support team, learn new

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skills, or bring training to your organization, this show

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will equip you with practical tools to save lives and careers.

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Let's talk about the moment when someone you work

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with crosses the line from just venting into something that

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sounds a whole lot more serious. If you work in a high-stress

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profession long enough, you'll eventually run into a coworker

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who's suicidal or at least thinking about it. You might

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hear it in a dark joke, or darker than usual. You might see

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it in a change in their behavior, or you might just hear it

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straight out. "I'm thinking about cashing it in" or "I'm

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thinking about ending my life." In that moment, you don't have

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to be a therapist, and let me take the pressure off, you don't

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have to fix everything. But you do need to know how to respond.

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That's where the QPR suicide gatekeeper model comes in. QPR

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stands for Question, Persuade and Refer. What it is, is a

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simple, practical framework that equips everyday people to

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recognize the warning signs of a suicidal crisis, ask the

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question directly, and then connect that person to help.

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We're going to use QPR as our backbone today, and then just

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flesh it out as we go. We'll start with what usually leads up

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to that critical moment.

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So this is part one: Recognizing the Warning Signs:

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Risks and Factors. Suicide almost never comes out of the

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blue. There are usually some warning signs and some risk

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factors that show up ahead of time. As peer supporters and

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co-workers, our job is to notice when something feels off, and to

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take it seriously. We'll start off with the behavioral signs.

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These are changes in what they do. Pulling away from

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the crew, sitting alone instead of with the group. It could be

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they're calling in sick more, or showing up late. Or they just

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seem like they're checked out. Maybe they're giving away

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personal items, talking like they're wrapping things up.

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Maybe they're taking more risks on calls or on the road. There

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could be more drinking or drug use, using substances to numb

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themselves. Maybe they're talking a lot about death or

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dying. Or it could be as simple as just wishing they didn't wake

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up. In our kind of work, I know dark humor is normal, but you

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know your people. When something shifts from the usual jokes to

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something heavier and more personal, I want you to trust

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your gut.

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Secondly, there's emotional and verbal signs. I

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want you to listen for statements like, "I'm done. I

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can't do this anymore. Everyone would be better off without me.

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I just want it all to stop." Or, "What's the point? Nobody would

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even miss me." Sometimes they'll add, "I'm just kidding. Don't

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worry, I'm not really going to do it." But, I want you to know,

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it still matters. Any talk about wanting to die or not wanting to

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be here anymore is a big flashing warning light.

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And then there's situational or work-related risk

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factors. These are the situations that increase the

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suicidal risk, especially in high-stress professions. It

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could be a recent critical incident. It could be a child

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death, a mass casualty, an officer-involved shooting, a

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gruesome scene, or maybe a patient they can't stop thinking

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about. It could be cumulative stress-not the one big call or

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the one big thing in their life, but maybe months or years of

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constant exposure to trauma or pressure. It could come after

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disciplinary issues-maybe there's an IA investigation or

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complaints, potentially a job loss or loss of certification or

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license. There could also be a significant loss in their life,

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a divorce or breakup, custody battles, death of a loved one,

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or a financial crisis. It could be chronic pain or medical

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issues, especially if it threatens their career or their

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identity. When more than one of these starts stacking up and

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then you hear suicidal comments, that's when your peer support

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radar should be on high alert.

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Then we have access to means. We often have easy access

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to lethal means. Most of us have firearms or medications or other

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tools or environments where a suicide attempt could be carried

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out quickly. You don't have to interrogate them about this

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right away, but knowing that access is part of the picture

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helps you understand the level of risk. The bottom line in this

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first stage is, if your gut tells you that something's off,

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please don't ignore it. It's better to ask and be wrong than

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to stay silent and wish you'd spoken up.

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So here's part two: asking the question about

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suicide. This is the part that most people are scared of.

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They're afraid if they say the word "suicide" it will put the

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ID in the person's head. Let me tell you: It will not. You won't

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cause someone to become suicidal by asking if they're thinking

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about suicide. If they're not suicidal, they'll usually say so

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and now they know you're a safe person to talk to. they were

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living with. If they are suicidal, asking the question

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can come as a relief. Because someone finally sees how much

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they're struggling. We should ask the question clearly and

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directly. Don't beat around the bush. Because many avoid the

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question. We avoid asking: Are you thinking about killing

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yourself? Because, I mean, it really does feel too direct and

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probably the main reason many people are afraid to ask.

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Because we're afraid of the answer. We don't know what to do

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if they say yes. We don't want to make them angry or lose their

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trust. But if we dance around it, we risk missing what's really

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going on. So, how do you ask the question? Depending upon your

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relationship or your style or how they've been talking, it

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might sound like you've been through a lot lately and you

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just said you're done. I need to ask you straight: Are you

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thinking about killing yourself? Or when you say they'd be better

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off without you... Do you mean you're thinking about suicide?

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Or, "I care about you. I'm not here to judge." Are you thinking

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about ending your life? Notice a few things. You're calm and

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you're direct. And when you're general... You use clear words

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like killing yourself, ending your life, suicide. You're not

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accusing. What you're doing is... You're checking in because

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you care. Even if it feels uncomfortable, we stick with the

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direct language about dying or suicide. We don't soften it into

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hurting yourself. I've heard many people ask, "Are you

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considering hurting yourself?" Or... Are you thinking of doing

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something crazy? Well, in their mind, they're not looking to

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hurt themselves and they don't see it as being crazy. You might

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give yourself a short lead in to help you say it. So, this may

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sound blunt, but it's important that I ask. Or... I'd rather be

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a little awkward than stay silent. So, let me ask you

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directly. And then follow it with... Are you thinking about

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killing yourself? Have you been thinking about suicide? Or...

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Are you thinking about ending your life? You're not trying to

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be dramatic. You're trying to be clear. Because vague questions

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are easy to dodge. Clear questions? Open the door. If

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they say no, but you still think they're having thoughts of

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suicide, what you can do is, you can come back around and ask the

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question indirectly. often have thoughts of suicide.

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This lets them know they're not the only ones struggling with

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something and considering a permanent way out.

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So, you should choose what to do when they say yes.

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Let's say you ask the question and they say, "Yeah, I've

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thought about it. Honestly, more than I want to admit." Or maybe,

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"I don't have a plan, but yeah, the thought crosses my mind a

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lot." Well, first of all, what I want you to do is I want you to

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take a breath. You did the hard part. You opened the

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conversation. Now, what I want you to do is slow things down

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and stay present. This is not the time to panic, lecture, or

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jump into fix-it mode. What you might say is something like,

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"Thank you for being honest with I'm really glad you told me

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that." Or, "That has to feel really heavy to carry all by

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yourself." What your goal is right now is to keep them

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talking. Help them feel heard and not judged, and then gather

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enough information to understand the level of risk. Then secondly,

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get a sense of how serious it is. You're not doing a full clinical

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assessment, but you can gently explore, "Have you thought about

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how you would do it?" Or, "Do you have access to what you'd

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use to kill yourself?" "Have you ever tried to end your life

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before?" Maybe, "Are you thinking about doing something

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today?" Or, "Are these more ongoing thoughts?" In general,

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the more specific the plan, the more immediate the time frame

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and the easier access to lethal means, it means the higher the

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risk. If they say, "I've thought about using my duty weapon, and

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I've been thinking a lot about it lately," you treat that as

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very serious. If they say, "No, I don't have a plan. I just feel

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like I wouldn't mind if I didn't wake up." That's still serious,

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but you have a little more room to work with in the moment.

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Either way, any yes to suicidal thinking is a signal to move to

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the next step.

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And that's where the "P" comes in. You're trying to

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persuade them to stay and get help. Now, we're not talking

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about coercion here. You're not talking about talking them out

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of their feelings. You're trying to persuade them to stay alive

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for now, to accept help and support, and to let you connect

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them through resources. The first thing you will do is

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communicate that you care and offer them hope. This is where

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your relationship matters. You might say, "I'm really glad you

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told me. You matter to this team more than you know." "I don't

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want you going through this alone." Or, "People in our line

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of work feel this way more often than you think. You're not the

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only one, and there is help." Or, "What can we do right now to

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keep you alive?" I want you to try to avoid things like, "You

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shouldn't feel that way." Or, "You've got so much to live

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for." Or, "Think of your kids. How could you do that to them?"

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Those may be well-intentioned, but they can add to guilt and

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they can shut the person down. Then, you can ask for a

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short-term commitment. Some examples might be, "Would you be

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willing to let me walk with you through this, at least for today,

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and not act on those thoughts while we get you some help?" Or,

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"Can you agree with me that you won't try to kill yourself

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before we talk to someone who can help?" Like a chaplain or

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maybe a counselor who understands us. Could "Will you

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let me help you find someone who can support you through this and

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stay alive while we do that?" If you're not asking for them to

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promise they'll never feel that way again. You're asking them to

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let you bridge the gap to the next level of support. And if

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they agree, that really is a big step. If they say, "I don't

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know," or, "What's the point?" You keep listening. Reflecting

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back their pain and gently returning to, "I hear how bad it

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feels." And I still want you to get help instead of going

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through this alone.

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Then the next step is, "R," refer to help. This is the

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third part of QPR. This is where many peer supporters get stuck.

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They think, "Okay, I asked and I listened. Now what?" Remember,

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you're not the endpoint. You're the bridge. The right referral

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depends on their level of risk, what resources your agency has,

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and what the person is willing to accept in the moment. The

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referral options might include peer support team leader or

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coordinator. It could be a chaplain who understands the

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culture or, better yet, a culturally competent therapist

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or psychologist. It could be your employee assistance program

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with someone who gets first responders or medical work or

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whatever line of work that you're in. Or it could be the

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local crisis line or national lifeline. Emergency department

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or urgent psychiatric evaluation, if the risk is high. It could be

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a supervisor or command staff when agency policy requires it

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for safety. In the United States, you can always say something

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like, "We can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

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together." Because it's available 24 hours a day, 7 days

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a week. And adapt to whatever crisis resources exist in your

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area. And then, make it a warm handoff, not a cold referral.

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Where if possible, don't just hand them a phone number and

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walk away. Instead, offer to sit with them while they make the

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call. Offer to walk with them to the chaplain or the supervisor

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or emergency room if necessary. Offer to stay while they talk to

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the clinician for their first time if they would like you to.

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You might say something like, "I'll stay with you while you

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make the call." Or, "I can go over there with you right now.

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Let's walk down there together." That warm handoff communicates,

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"I'm still with you, I'm not dumping you on someone else." If

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they have a clear plan. Immediate access to lethal means.

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Or, the intent to act soon. Then, we're in immediate safety

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territory. In those cases, you may need to make sure they're

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not left alone. You may want to secure or remove access to

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lethal means, if possible, in safe and within policy. Or,

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please, follow your agency's protocol for emergency mental

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health intervention. In some cases, help them get to an

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emergency room or contact emergency services. This is

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where your agency policies and your local laws come into play.

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Your job as a peer is not to become law enforcement or a

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clinician. And, to help them get the right help as safely as

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possible.

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Now, let's talk about some real-world challenges

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you're likely to face. The first one is, "Don't tell anyone."

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When you ask the question, they admit suicidal thoughts. And

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then, they say, "I'll talk to you, but you can't tell anyone.

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Promise me." This one's tough. Because, trust is the foundation

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of peer support. "I'm not looking to broadcast your

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business, but..." "I'm really worried that your life's in

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danger." "I can't promise to keep that a secret. I care too

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much about you to do that. What I can promise is that I'll walk

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with you and we'll get help together." "I won't just hand

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you off and disappear." You're being honest about the limit of

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confidentiality while reassuring them they won't be alone in the

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process. The next one is, "Anger or defensiveness." Sometimes,

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when you ask directly about suicide, the person might say,

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"What? You think I'm crazy? I would never do that. I'm just

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blowing off steam." "Or back off. I don't need this." Or, "If I'm

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interested..." Or, "If I'm interested..." Or, "If I'm

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misunderstood..." I'm glad. And, if that ever changes, even a

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little bit, you can talk to me. I'd rather you reach out than

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stay alone with it. Sometimes, that first conversation just

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plants a seed. They may come back to you later when the

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defenses come down. Then barrier number three. You're off-duty or

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away from work. Maybe they text you late at night. Or, they call

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you on your day off. Or, "This conversation happens away from

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the station or the hospital." Your response doesn't magically

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change just because you're off-the-clock. can still ask the

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direct question, listen and validate, and then persuade them

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to stay safe and get help. And then, refer, if needed, loop in

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appropriate support. You might say something like, "I'm glad

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you reached out, even off-duty. Let's figure out what support we

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can get you right now." If they're in immediate danger, you

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may need to consider contacting the local emergency services,

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where they are, not where you are.

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And then, next thing, how do you take care of yourself

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afterward? We focus a lot on the person in crisis, and we should.

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But, if you're the one having these conversations, you need to

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recognize this too. When a peer tells you they're thinking about

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killing themselves, that's a load. Even if it ends well, and

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they get help, you carry part of that weight. So, after the

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immediate situation is stabilized, number one, I want

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you to debrief with someone you trust. This might be another

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peer supporter. It could be your team leader, or a chaplain. Or a

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trusted clinician who supports your team. You don't have to

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share names or specific identifiers, but you do need a

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place to say, "Man, that was intense," or "I'm shaken up. I'm

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worried I might have missed something." You're not weak for

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needing that debrief, because you're human. I want you to

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watch your own stress reactions. After a high-stakes conversation

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like that, you might notice you have trouble sleeping, or you're

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replaying the conversation in your head. You may be irritable,

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or have a short fuse. You might have an increased urge to

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overwork, over-eat, drink more, or to numb out yourself. I want

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you to pay attention to that. And then, give yourself

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permission to rest when you can, and step back from extra

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responsibilities, if possible. And talk it through with someone

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who understands this kind of work. Because you matter too.

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well if you're completely drained yourself. to remember:

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changes in behavior, talk of hopelessness, big stressors at

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work or home, or any talk about wanting to die are red flags.

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Use QPR as your roadmap. Question. Ask directly about

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suicide. Are you thinking about killing yourself? Then persuade.

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Communicate care, listen, ask them to agree to stay safe while

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you get help, and then refer. You're not the endpoint. Walk

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with them to the next layer of support. You can be a team

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leader, a chaplain, a clinician, EAP, a crisis line, or the

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emergency room. Whatever's appropriate and available. Then

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be honest about confidentiality. You can't promise to keep it

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secret if you believe their life's in danger. But you can

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promise not to abandon them in the process. And then take care

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of yourself afterward. Be brief. Watch your own reactions. You're

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doing important, heavy work. You don't have to get every word

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perfect. Take the pressure off. You just have to be willing to

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show up, ask a hard question, and stay with them long enough

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to connect them to help. And if this episode was helpful, please

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share it with another person on your team or another agency. If

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you're happy about how you should be following us through

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the more people who know how to help talk to others about

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suicide, the safer your agency becomes. In the next episode,

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we're going to talk about what to do after a suicide attempt or

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death in your agency. How to support the team. How to honor

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the person. And navigate the ripple effects without causing

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more harm. make sure you're following the show so you don't

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miss it. Thanks for listening to Surviving Your Shift. Until next

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time, God bless and have a great day.