Nov. 13, 2025

What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone in Crisis

Send me a text Knowing what to say in a crisis can be hard. In this episode, we cover what to say and what not to say when someone’s been through a critical incident or is overwhelmed. Ever been in a conversation where someone opens up about something painful, and you’re not sure what to say next? That moment can feel like walking a tightrope. Say the wrong thing, and they might shut down. Say nothing, and you risk missing a chance to help. If you’re on a peer support team or just someone oth...

Show Notes
Transcript

Send me a text

Knowing what to say in a crisis can be hard. In this episode, we cover what to say and what not to say when someone’s been through a critical incident or is overwhelmed.

Ever been in a conversation where someone opens up about something painful, and you’re not sure what to say next?

That moment can feel like walking a tightrope. Say the wrong thing, and they might shut down. Say nothing, and you risk missing a chance to help.

If you’re on a peer support team or just someone others lean on, this episode will help you show up better when someone is hurting. You’ll learn practical ways to communicate care and empathy, without overstepping your role or fumbling for the right words.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL KNOW:

What to avoid saying in a crisis conversation (even if it sounds helpful)
How to stay present when someone’s angry, overwhelmed, or in tears
Simple, supportive phrases that help people feel heard—not judged

This episode is full of real-world tools you can use the next time someone says, “I’m not OK.”

Links Mentioned in This Episode

Email Bart: info@stresscaredoc.com

Schedule a Discovery Call: https://stresscaredoc.com/consultation

Join us in Sulphur, LA, for a free CISM Group Crisis Intervention training, November 17–18. Learn how to support your team after critical incidents. Register now at survivingyourshift.com/group.

If you're receiving value from this podcast, consider becoming a monthly supporter—your gift helps me keep producing these practical episodes. Become a supporter today.

Connect with Bart

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/bartleger

Facebook Page: facebook.com/survivingyourshift

Website: survivingyourshift.com

Want to find out how I can help you build a peer support program in your organization or provide training? Schedule a no-obligation call or Zoom meeting with me here.

Let's learn to thrive, not just survive!

WEBVTT

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Have you ever had someone come to you clearly upset or struggling with something, and the minute you opened your mouth, you could tell in their face that you said something wrong?

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Yep, me too. One wrong word, or one rushed response, and the person who was this close to opening up, shut down. You don't know exactly what you said, but you know it didn't land the way you hoped. If you're in peer support, or even just the kind of person people lean on, this episode's for you. Because knowing the right thing to say when someone's in crisis can be difficult, but it's not impossible. And today, I want to give you some tools that'll make these moments a little less intimidating, and a whole lot more effective.

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Welcome to Surviving Your Shift, your go-to resource for building strong, peer support teams in high-stress professions. I'm your host, Bart Leger, board-certified in traumatic stress with over 25 years of experience supporting and training professionals in frontline and emergency roles.

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Whether you're looking to start a peer support team, learn new skills, or bring training to your organization, this show will equip you with practical tools to save lives and careers.

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I remember a while back, I overheard a co-worker coming to a peer who was standing beside me right after a really tough call. They were really shaken, and they tried to encourage them. They said something like, "Hey, at least nobody died." "I know they meant well, but the look on that person's face told me he completely missed the mark on that one." Turns out, the pain they were carrying wasn't just about the outcome. It was about what they saw and couldn't unsee, and how it reminded them of something they hadn't told anyone else about. And that conversation stuck with me. It's just one example of how we need to be prepared to support others who are struggling with something they've experienced, and how we can make the best of the opportunity, or really blow it. When someone's in crisis, your words matter more than you think. They're not just hearing your message, they're reading your face and your tone and your body language... No, all of it! So, let's break this down. What we're going to do is: We're going to cover some things not to say. What will help? And the way you can say it maybe a little differently, or a little better. And how to keep the door open, even if you fumble the first few minutes. Let's start with some phrases that are often well-meaning, and I've heard each one of these, but can do more harm than good. Here are a few. The first one: I know exactly how you feel, or, I know how you feel. Even if you've been through something similar, the truth is, you really don't.

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You don't know exactly what they're feeling. You may have been through something very similar, but their story is theirs. Their situation is shaped by their past experiences, and what they're feeling in the moment. And when you say: "I know how you feel," what often happens is the conversation subtly shifts away from them, and toward you. most of the time, this comes from a place of wanting to connect with someone else and wanting to help. And they're trying to say: "You're not alone." But what they hear may sound more like, "Let's talk about my story now," and in that moment, they might feel unseen or even dismissed like their pain is being compared or that it's being measured. Another thing I've heard people say is:"Everything happens for a reason." Now listen, you might believe that, and I might believe that, and it may even be true in the bigger picture. But when someone's in the middle of a crisis, if they've been through a critical incident, and their world feels really, really tough right now, that's not the time for philosophy. Saying something like, "Everything happens for a reason," can come across as dismissive, even if that's not your intent. It can feel like you're brushing past their pain or trying to wrap it up in a nice, tidy bow. And for the person who's just been through a pretty tough, critical incident, it can feel like you're minimizing what they're going through, or what they experienced. explain why things happen. It's the time to be present. To say, "I'm so sorry you're going through this," or,"That sounds really hard," and"I'm here." That's what people in crisis need most. Not answers, but your presence. There may be a time later on for meaning, and for purpose, and for working through the why. after trust has been built and healing has begun.

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Not in the raw, early moments of the hurt. And the next one is,"At least..." Now, this can sneak into our vocabulary without even realizing it. We're trying to find the silver lining, trying to offer perspective or comfort, but most of the time it just does the opposite. Whether it's, "At least you're safe," or,"At least it wasn't worse," or,"At least you still have your job." This kind of response minimizes what the other person is feeling in the moment. Here's the problem. When someone's hurting, they're not looking for perspective right away. They're looking to be heard. They're wanting to be understood. And when we say, "At least," we might be trying to help them feel better. But what they often hear is, "You shouldn't feel this bad." That can lead to shame, shutting down, and possibly even them pulling away.

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Imagine someone just went through something traumatic, and we say, "Well, at least you're okay now." Well, that's not comforting. It can feel like we're skipping past the stuff they're still processing. Like we're fast-forwarding through their pain instead of sitting with them in it. Another one is,"You should." Now, I get it.

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When someone's hurting, it's natural to want to help. And for a lot of us, helping looks like offering advice. I mean, we've all been there. We've seen what works. So we jump in with, "Well, you should talk to someone," or,"You should take time off," or,"You should stop thinking that way." But here's the problem.

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When you lead with, "You should," it can sound like judgment, even if your heart's in the right place. Now, you should talk to someone. Yeah, they should talk to someone. But we might couch it in a way like,"Well, what if you talk to someone about that?" Or, "What if you went to someone on the peer support team?" If you're not part of the peer support team, or maybe if you really believe they should go to a higher level of care. You know,"Have you thought about talking to a counselor or a therapist about this?" But here's the When you lead with "You should," it can sound like judgment, even if your heart's in the right place.

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It can feel like you're telling them what to do before you've taken the time to really understand where they are. Now, in those early moments of a crisis, people aren't always ready for solutions. What they need -- first is to be heard.

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They need to know they're safe to open up without being evaluated or being judged. When we give advice too soon, we risk sending the message that their response isn't good enough or that they're handling it wrong.

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And that's the last thing anyone in crisis needs to hear. When someone's vulnerable, these kinds of comments can feel like slamming a door in their face.

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And that's not what we want to have them feel like. Now, this is obviously not an exhaustive list, but if you've said any of these before, don't beat yourself up. Most of us have said something in the moment and realized that that was probably not the thing we should have said. But we can learn a better way. When someone's in crisis, they're not usually looking for answers, like I said. They want to know that they're not alone.

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And what they need is your unburdened presence. Now, here's what helps. Silence. Well, I know. It feels awkward. But silence gives the other person room to speak, room to process, and it shows you're not rushing them. And like I said, simply your presence is what they may need at that moment. Things like,"I'm here for you." "You're not alone." These are powerful statements. They don't fix anything, but they can mean so much to someone who's struggling.

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And empathetic responses. By saying, "That sounds really hard," or, "I can't imagine what that was like." And then let them lead. Reflective listening.

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Reflective listening. This is repeating, or paraphrasing, what they said. Not word for word, but close enough to show that you're tracking with them. An example of this might be, "It sounds to me like you felt that no one had your back on that call. That must have been pretty tough." That kind of listening says, "I see you, and I hear you, and I'm not judging you." Now, sometimes the person you're talking to might be visibly angry or crying. You might see them pacing, or even yelling.

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That can rattle you if you're not prepared. So, here's what you can do. First, settle yourself. Settle yourself first.

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Breathe slowly. Take a few deep breaths before you go and meet with someone. And even if you meet with them, and then they have this response, slow the pace of your breathing. Drop your shoulders and stay grounded.

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Because you can't support someone else if you're spiraling inside. Take a moment. Take a breath. And then acknowledge their emotion. Say, "Don't match it." I can say something like,"I can see this is really upsetting for you." Or, "I can tell you're angry." Again, that tells that you're tracking with them. And usually, when you name it, it can tend to take all the strength or the sting out of it.

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And once it's acknowledged, and once they let it out, you can see, most of the time, that they're going to be calming down a bit. And then, avoid trying to fix it. Because you're not acting as a therapist. You're a peer. Your job is presence, not solutions. Okay, then how do you end the conversation? How do you leave them? And sometimes you'll only have a few minutes with someone in crisis. One of the key tenets of crisis intervention is being brief.

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Because the average crisis intervention will be only about 15 minutes. So how do you wrap it up without making it feel like you're blowing them off?

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Well, try this. Something like,"I'm really glad you told me that. If you ever want to talk again, I'm around. Would it be okay if I checked in with you a little later? Or checked in with you tomorrow? Or you don't have to go through this alone. I'm here for you." You'll want to leave the door open for future connection. Because that's how trust is built. And if you want to learn more ways to support someone you work with, consider attending one of our crisis intervention trainings. Or if you would like to bring this training to your organization, contact me at info@stresscaredoc.com or schedule a discovery call at stresscaredoc.com/consultation to find out more. I'll put the links in the show notes. And if this episode helped you get clearer on what to say and what not, to say in a crisis moment, share it with someone else on your peer support team. And if you want to keep getting better at this, stay tuned for next week's episode, where I'll walk you through a clear model to support someone in crisis step-by-step. It's called the SAFER-R model, and while I won't bore you with acronyms, I will show you how to use it in a real-life conversation. You don't need a degree to be a peer supporter, but you do need the right tools. Thanks for joining me today on Surviving Your Shift.

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We've covered the do's and the don'ts of talking to someone in crisis. And now you know how to keep the door open, and those connections strong. We'll come back next time to learn a simple and powerful structure for supporting a peer in crisis without feeling overwhelmed or underprepared. Until then, take care of yourself and each other.

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God bless, and have a great day.